Heavier Things

Aptly nodding to one of my favorite bad boys, John Mayer, I thought I'd call this post "Heavier Things". I think I have been covering in this blog plenty of "heavier things" lately, but I wanted to lay it all out on the line again. I've got a lot of heavy things on my mind lately, namely graduate school, the looming graduation date in 3 semesters that still calls for a good 50 odd hours to be completed (yeah, I don't see the math adding up either), how I am going to pay for all that; why I have so much (in terms of materialism) while others have so little, why my friends don't seem to understand why I feel guilty for my lifestyle, why I constantly am homesick for a place I was only in for 21 days, how salt and vinegar chips take me back to the inside of a rickshaw and the feeling of freedom; and why "In Your Atmosphere" and "Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall" can take me back in the blink of an eye to very vivid but sad memories. 

With all that swarming in my brunette brain, I'm certainly wondering what God has up His sleeve. In some ways I am very excited to see what all He has in store. God has certainly unfolded my life in ways unimaginable to me before. Coming to Mercer was unexpected. Getting a scholarship for Mercer on Mission was inconceivable a few years ago. Becoming a business major was an interesting wrench thrown in. All the people I have met along the way have added color and excitement and happiness and other times, tears and lessons to be learned and bitterness. I don't regret a single path I took, but I have come to the conclusion that I did very little of that on my own. Even in times when I was less focused on God than others, He was ultimately in control. I think God does a lot of setting things in motion when we least expect it. That is an awesome thing to trust your heart in. Where your heart wanders is where it wants to be most, and although my heart may have spent some time wandering to some "heavier things" lately, I think it is all for the glory of God's perfect plan for me. He is putting some hard questions in my life to see if I trust enough in him to just let the questions resound, without answer. What a strange thing--I mean, we often ask questions to find an answer. And it is true, we will get an answer--"seek and it will be found" (Matthew 7:7)--but maybe not on our timeline or in the way we wanted it. I love the way C.S. Lewis explains it in that:

"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings...but by accepting

them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armor.

If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which

they should break, so be it."

I would love to imagine God draining me of myself and my sin and replacing me with an everlasting fullness and peace known as His love and mercy. I am eager to see how all this unfolds over the next year and in the coming years; it leaves a lot of room for growth that I am excited to see :)

Like a fine wine, this post goes well with John Mayer – Bigger Than My Body. 

Teeheehee. LYLAS readers.

Yours, 

K

The Day I Became In Charge of My Own Happiness

"And given half the chance would I take any of it back?

It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone

It's always darkest before the dawn"

What is happiness? Where can we find it and when can we stop chasing it? I think the best answer I've ever heard comes from one of my all-time favorite bands, The Fray. "Happiness is like the old man told me/Look for it, but you’ll never find it all/But let it go, live your life and leave it/Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home" is the last stanza of this song--one that almost always brings me to tears. I have been struggling a lot lately to find the happy in a lot of my crappies lately, but I think that comes from me ignoring one of the most important lines of this song--"live your life and leave it". I think too often I, like a lot of people, but an emphasis on the wrong things in life. We chalk a bad day up to one poor conversation with one person or someone not meeting our expectations and we write off the good parts of our day. 

I pay far less attention to the good stuff going on right around me to even appreciate it sometimes. I've got far more going for me than going against me. And there is such hope in that feeling. It can be a pretty broken place to put your faith in that which gives no return. Instead let me remind myself, and you all, what I can put my faith in:

First and foremost, God. Proverbs 16:3 instructs us to "commit everything to the Lord" and that under His guidance everything will be alright. I've got to believe there is a lot of substance to that. The idea of commitment to me is a binding contract on both ends. I've got to put in the work, too. For "where your treasure is, there your heart is also" means I have to invest my time and energy into what really matters (Matthew 6:21). "Where you invest your love, you invest your life."

My family. God-sends. My mom is best friend, and if you are reading this-thank you. For everything.


My friends. They surely are the sunshine of my day. I know I can be a handful sometimes, but they always bring me back to reality. And sometimes they don't mind having wild dreams, too. They keep me grounded but also don't knock me for being a dreamer. And I can dig that.

My education. I'm learning to appreciate my level of education even more so now. I ended up paying my summer school's tuition this summer and that hefty bill taught me a lesson I'll never forget. I can't take for granted the unwarranted opportunities I have been given. I also met a little girl in India who read from the dictionary every day just to learn English. I want to be that little girl when I grow up. I want to make her proud.

Music. I can't do anything these days without it, and I am completely enamored by it.

The good in people. I firmly believe that every day may not be good, but there is still some good in every day. I may be a little less trusting of people or a little more fragile but that is what makes me human. And I am convinced that people are the missing pieces God sends us in search of.

Shot in the Dark

"I got a vision for the life that's right in front of me
I got a right, I got a reason, got a destiny
I know exactly where I'm headed and I'm never looking back
Well, nothing's holding me back" 

Tonight, as I should be studying for management, I find myself longing to write. I have not had much time lately to devote to my sweet craft, but tonight I just feel compelled to. Or maybe I'm avoiding studying haha. But in all honesty, I always feel much more full of life after I write. It is like my own artificial sunlight up here on the third floor of Jack Tarver. 


I have been struggling a lot with the idea of friendship lately, and I have found myself asserting my own independence in a lot of my relationships. I cannot really pinpoint where this desire to be alone is coming from, but frankly, it is not bothering me. In the past I think I have used people and places and events and things to fill my time when I did not want to feel anything, but I think now I realize that is both unhealthy and unrealistic. Emotions and feelings need processing and in their time. I no longer feel the need to keep myself busy so that I do not have to be myself to think. Strangely, I am learning  to enjoy time to myself. Introspective time like that is time for God, time for me, time for eating a box of goldfish, time for watching TV (considering that I have used it probably twice this year), time for studying (new, I know), time for time well wasted. I am reveling in that kind of time right now. And while I am keeping busy and still having a social life (don't be worried--check the FB photos haha), I am learning to take time for me. I think it is okay to be selfish sometimes. Especially with time...we only get so much of it, so if you find something that brings a smile to your face I say it cannot be that bad. Junior year is looking a lot like: you do you. And I like it. 
Your favorite gypsy :)

K

The title and opening lyrics are from a little diddy called "Shot in the Dark" by Augustana. Good, chill music. Check it. 

Somewhere Between Cherry Street and Tattnall Park

True confession: I steal all my pictures from Pinterest :)

That's where you can find me five days out of the week, mostly in the dead of afternoon, hair half plastered to the side of my face and half pulled up in a high ponytail. Rocking the Nike shorts, my pride and joy Brooks (saved about $40 on them this summer at AJC's Peachtree Road Race aka baller), and a frat tank. Jamming out to a mixture of middle school era rap songs, good ole country, and of course Mister John Mayer. I am out there pounding the pavement with my trusty running partner, MB and loving every minute of it. Crazy. I know. But I think the essence of running is very much interwoven in the fiber of my soul. So deep. I know.

In all seriousness, running is what I like to call the purest part of my day. Though I do get some alone time during the day, I am not very drawn to seek it out (I'm like 95% extroverted here, people) and quite frankly, am too over-scheduled to demand it for myself. So the hour or so (let's be real, there's a lot of so added to that hour haha) I take to run five miles is the time I get to be inside my head and at the same time outside of it. I like to joke that it is the cheapest form of therapy, and for me it quite literally is. Though I naturally like to talk out loud--and God bless my friends they get to be on the receiving end of this habit--I think I need this time to talk inside my head too. One of my best friends wrote me a letter this summer before I left for India and in it said something to the effect of don't be afraid to ask the tough questions and don't be disappointed when you don't get an answer. I think that is a lot like my relationship to running. Maybe the question I am asking is how to study harder/how to make more time out of my day/how to solve a friend problem/how to get into grad school and I am met smack dab in the middle of the street with an reverberating GO RUN. And I never find the easy answer out there, nor do I want to. I think there is something so unadulterated about my time out there, and I do not want it to become a crutch to fixing everything. But it certainly is the best part of my day, and I feel much better (sweatier) afterwards. 

Running has always been a common love between my mother and I, and I am forever grateful she turned me on to the passion. We hunt down races months in advance and plan our family vacations around them (spoiler alert: we're training for a half in Nashville in the spring!). I am so glad we have between us a bond that nobody else can really get. This weekend she is hosting her cross country team's meet...and I ask for all your prayers for her! She is an amazing person and is putting her whole heart into this weekend. I could not be prouder. Love you.

Happy running (and if you're not yet, let me take you out sometime!)
K

Fix You

I've kind of been in a Coldplay mood lately (imagine that haha) and "Fix You" keeps creeping up. If you know me pretty well, you know I cannot hear the song without crying. There is something so beautiful and captivating about the lyrics, and I love to think "lights are guiding me home". So here comes the question and tonight I am met with a resounding answer. Question: What needs fixing? Answer: Absolutely nothing. As in, I will be fixing nothing about my life...

A window at the Red Fort in New Delhi, India. Totally been here. Totally one of my top ten places on Earth. Totally didn't take this picture, but stole it from this flickr :)

Hold your cookies, people. This is a big one. I repeat again, I will be fixing nothing in my life. Instead, God is doing all the work. Draw your eye over to Psalm 73, verse 26: "My flesh and my heart my fail, but my God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." My flesh and my heart--may fail?--definitely will. I can guarantee you it will. Hearts break and life ends. Sounds mighty depressing, but God meets you in that overwhelming moment and says, "BUT" wait for it, wait for it-- "I will be the strength (you know that renewing confidence that you cannot bottle or buy or find yourself?) of your heart (as in you!) and your portion (as in I am his, and he is mine kind of thing) forever (not until this semester ends or until he breaks up with you or until he gets bored of hearing you complain every day). No we are talking about forever. I cannot even comprehend forever. At twenty, I have no idea what thirty or fifty looks like much less forever.

And stole this one too...from this pinterest board!

That is a big feeling. A feeling that I think sounds a lot like God saying "I will fix you". And I cannot help but delight in that. There is no one on Earth or in heaven who I'd rather fix me than God almighty. He is lining things up exactly how they are to be, and He is molding me into the woman I am meant to become. That is something I cannot do on my own, and it is comforting to know my own limitations. I cannot do anything but turn it all over to Him. "Trust in the Lord will all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-7)," is not only a suggestion, but a downright commandment. I love that. I believe in it, "not because I see it, but because I see everything else by it". Hitting you with a little C.S. Lewis right there. That's all I've got for tonight, stay tuned :)


Because I think writing goes best paired with music, here ya go kind people: The Fray – Happiness. If you don't already love them, talk to me. I can make a believer out of ya.


Yours,
K

When You Think Happiness...

Hey sunshine! I should probably be reading a book out of Genesis for Great Books right now or putting up my laundry, but alas the blog waits for no one. The first week of classes has been so good. Honestly, it appears a lot easier than last semester turned out to be, and I am actually interested in everything I'm studying this semester (hint, hint no accounting=BOSS). 

Recruitment has begun which means I actually wear make-up to class and look not too shabby (if I say so myself) by about 6pm everyday. It is a rush of every sorority girl's dreams packed into three days all culminating in BID DAY. The best day ever all week of any week, in my opinion. I really like Thursdays but by God do I love days that begin with the word bid. 

What I have been reminded of this week is my own sisterhood and why it means so much to me. Getting to talk to so many women going through this process reminds me why I call the house in the middle of Greek row with three perfect letters on its front side home.

I have deemed sorority life as fearless. Fearless is the only way to describe the way a young girl allows herself to grow up alongside 74 other incredibly talented, intelligent, and beautiful women. That kind of environment could intimidate a lot of people, but a sorority woman knows that those women are her home. For four years and for forever those letters unite you in a way I've experienced in few other organizations. I am incredibly blessed for this opportunity and it is one I take for granted far too often. I found my family away from home here. 

So this week I wish the best of luck to all ladies out there trying to find their place, whether it be on Greek row or not. In the words of my Ms. Carrie Bradshaw, "the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship you have is the one with yourself."May we always find ourselves chasing the better parts of ourselves, the glitter yet to be thrown out to the world, and may we always have good people running right beside us.

...I hope you think that little black dress

That's the next line of this oldie but goldie I reference in the title. Sorry I'm not sorry T Swift has been the inspiration lately for song titles :)

Yours, 

K

I Feel You Forget Me Like I Used to Feel You Breathe

"All that I know is I don't know 

how to be something you miss"

It's been a week since my last post, and it's been one helluva week. I hurdled through peer advisor training which was a great time to make new friends and bond with my PA family. At the end of the week, we moved in first years and kicked off orientation (yesterday) and today we spent more time with our o-groups. I am beyond thankful, even a year later, to be a part of a program that leaves me feeling more complete every time. While I am supposed to make these students feel more at home, it always works out that they make me feel more at home. Which brings me to the topic of this post:

That deep pang of missing. You know the tingling sensation through your whole core and that quivering of your lip as you fight back tears? Yep, totally had that moment today in the historically breathtaking Newton Chapel at campus worship. I literally fought back tears as I realized that feeling creeping its way into my mind.

I find myself missing India. The smell of sun coming through the window and heating the car seat next to me. Hell, I even miss the food and having to wait an hour and a half for a meal that actually tastes homemade.

I miss my home. Macon of course is my second home, but I miss my family and my house. I miss the feeling of sleeping in my own bed. I feel safe and invincible there, and two days at home after the biggest adventure of my life was by far not long enough. I miss my best friends. The three of them always have my heart. 

I miss the summer and the simplicity of it all. There were some amazing times this summer and now they feel so out of reach.

And lastly I miss the relationships of my life. I've been out of pocket from my best friends--in fact, my two  best friends I've barely seen since I moved back. I miss being able to talk to my mom in the same room. I miss being affiliated to my sorority and knowing what is going on around here. And I miss the relationship that just ended. All these people are a big part of my college life, and I hate to even think about them slipping away. 

Junior year is freaking scary. On so many levels. I know my last post was so positive (what was I thinking??), but here I am a week later and (how punny of me?) a little weaker. I think that's an okay thing. Because God's power is made perfect in weakness. God knows I'm living proof. It hurts like hell though. But I keep telling myself there is another side. There has to be. Right?

Yours,
K