Clarity

"And I will wait to find if this will last forever... because it can't, it just can't, it's not supposed to"

John Mayer, "Clarity"

"But I know the heart of life is good" resounds in the background of my kitchen as I blog this one. Except this time it is not coming from my trusty Spotify but rather from the distinct reverberations of a vinyl. And I'm loving it. So big shout out to a dear friend for making a little girl's dream come true;  it is nice to have something to hold on to. And appropriately I dub this post, "Clarity" as a tribute to the genius behind the first two records to my name--next few I'm feeling should be a little Bob Seger, Beatles, and the Fray??

I'm back from a wonderful and relaxing hiatus at the beach with the three favorites, my sweet little family. I kept exclaiming to my father's rolled eyes that this was our best vacation yet, and I have to admit I was not lying. I think the best moment of the whole trip occurred on a quick trip to pick up Papa John's (I know I'm a cheap date). Mama and I trekked out in the cold alone for little lady time disguised as our venture out to fetch the pizzas. While on the ride, I pulled out the dramatics (per the usual) and was met with the best advice I have heard in a long time. And I'm going to try to really take it to heart, because I firmly believe it was a wake-up call from God himself, but spoken--again per the usual :)--through my angel of a mother. She reminded me I had to stop waiting and live in the present. All the little ideas and plans we have for ourselves, not only could they never amount to the glory of God's ETERNAL plans for us, but also they would probably (most definitely) not pan out exactly how we picture them to be. Because that truly is the beauty in our Earthly time--it is both unpredictable and finite. We must make of it what we can with the promise of our loving Father's house as the final destination. I think that is something to smile about. Truly I do. Whatever is plaguing our minds and enrapturing our hearts today is only of this temporary life. If it can and needs to be changed, let's do what we can. But what we cannot change, let us not worry our time away on. I hope 2013 is the year I put this advice to practice, Momma, I really do!

As a last nod of the year I wanted to leave you with two articles. One addresses the glorification of busy and why that glorification is unduly awarded. The other addresses a young lady's viewpoint on a topic I touched on tonight--waiting. I think both are absolutely great, and rather than paraphrase I will just send you to the source!

"Don't Tell Me You're Busy": http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2003/10/23/dont-tell-me-youre-busy/

And 

"I Don't Wait Anymore"...please stick it out to the end, I promise it is not a pro-pre-marital sex rant!: http://gracefortheroad.com/2012/02/03/idontwait/

Happy New Year lovers, 

K

 

And So This is Christmas

"Those Christmas lights light up the street
Down where the sea and city meet
May all your troubles soon be gone
Oh, Christmas lights, keep shinin' on
Those Christmas lights light up the street
Maybe they'll bring her back to me
And then all my troubles will be gone
Oh, Christmas lights, keep shinin' on
Oh, Christmas lights, light up the street
Light up the fireworks in me
May all your troubles soon be gone
Those Christmas lights keep shinin' on"

Coldplay's "Christmas Lights"

"The angel answered, the Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God." Luke 1:35
Hope the days leading up to the birth of our Savior remind you what is most important in life!
-K

Nothing

This morning I'm thinking about how different my life was a year ago this time. I was not even the same major I am now. I took a big leap of faith and switched my major and took on an internship that probably ended up being one of the best decisions of my life thus far. I figured out what I was really passionate about and formed a loyalty to Macon, GA that I think I'll never forget no matter where I go.

The friends I had a year ago are still good friends to me, but the people I am closest to now are people I barely spoke to, and some I didn't even know, this time last year. There were people I thought I'd never let go of, and today they're not in my life at all.

There have been a few constants, the good kind. Like my devotion to Jesus Christ. I still don't have a church home or denomination that I can identify with, but I have no other rock but Him in my life. I am so completely thankful for my family and my home and the undeserved blessings I have recognized in my life since a year ago.

But all this is not really what this post is about. Instead of talking about how much can change in the long run, I want to talk about how quickly things change...

For the middle school girls that hate to wake up and go to school every morning because you're afraid of what part of you today will get picked apart and judged, quickly things change for you.

For the high school girls that wonder when you're going to be recognized for more than the fact that you can write papers like nobody's business and when you're going to figure out what you really care about in this life, quickly things change for you.

For the kid out there that wonders if you'll ever learn to love something or someone more than yourself, quickly things change for you.

For the person out there that is scared to take an airplane ride halfway across the world because you're afraid you'll find more of yourself over there than you ever have anywhere else, quickly things change for you.

For the daughter that wonders if she would end up making everybody proud of the girl she was and the woman she wanted to become, quickly things change for you.

For the friend that wonders if you're going to find anybody that genuinely wants to stick around and who is worth exposing all sides of yourself to, quickly things change for you.

For the Christian that wonders if your God really will stand by you even while you're running away, quickly things change for you.

And last, for the lady who thinks college is the biggest adventure of your life, quickly things change for you.

I know because I have lived it. My biggest challenge to you is not to let today's temporary circumstances control your life. God has planned and promised a better plan than we could ever afford or attempt to plan for ourselves. I have to trust in that, and I really hope you can too.

Keep fighting the good fight,
K

Finals Week

I think some good (distractive) writing is going to come out next week while I cram for finals. In the meantime, I want to challenge you readers-- make a bucket list only for the weekend, go for a walk, stop complaining, think back to your favorite memory and then file it away again, read poetry and smile when it reminds you of someone, dabble in new friendships and passions. Happy weekend, good people!

Like I Never Left At All

I feel such a longing for India as of late. Really I feel a longing for any place where the people really need me.  I know people need me here, but not in the same way. I will, and cannot, forget those faces. I never want to. I would give anything to be on a plane back.

So much feels unfinished. And I think the broken pieces of me and my heart were getting fixed over there, and they just want to go back so bad. I'd give anything to go back.

And this time I would not have that feeling in the pit of the stomach, the one that made me cry at night. The one that told me I should be missing someone back home. Because as it turned out, he didn't miss me. I'd give anything to go back.

Ever since then it feels like I've been watching it all play back through a glass window. And I'd give anything to go back.

Yours, 

K

I Set Out to Serve The Lord

I get to go home this afternoon for Thanksgiving break, and I am beyond excited. Though I have scurried home a few random times for doctor's appointments and on Halloween just 'cause, I have not really had good, quality time at home in a while. I miss my house and my family so very much! In the spirit of Thanksgiving, arguably one of my favorite holidays, I thought I would share what I am most thankful for.

"Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul...

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love

My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love"

I am thankful for my Father's love that I am so undeserving of yet so comforted by. I have done nothing to earn his affection and adoration and He has done everything to earn mine. I think the greatest love story of my life has to be the one between my God and me. I can rest assured that "the Lord will fight for me, I need only be still" (Exodus 14:14) in all worldly and Godly avenues. I am so humbled by the way in which God has revealed himself in my walk in college. He only continues to manifest himself to me through people, interactions, and this University, and I am completely enamored by it. 

I hope you all have a most beautiful Thanksgiving. May the people around your table and in your heart be more important than the food on your table, the worries on your mind, and the troubles of your world. 

God bless, 

K

In honor of our hometown boy, I give you American Idol Phillip Phillips. 

Glowing

"you don't know where you're going

and you won't tell me, for fear I'll follow suit

and you're tryin to save me from your past of bad decisions 

but my decision's always gonna be to follow you"

I think the Script will hit gold with this single, "Glowing". Literally, I am calling it now... but this post has very little to do with those lyrics so let's skip to the good part--

The past week was absolutely grand. It was Homecoming week here in Mercer Land, and I thoroughly enjoyed everything I got to participate in. I wish I had not had so much school work and other stuff weighing on me, but I still think I made the best of things.

I came to the realization this morning that I only get one more of these. "Homecoming". To come home to a place means you feel complete and safe there. In a sense, you're glowing. You're at both your best and worst there. I definitely feel that is true of my experience here. I have grown up here, and I still am. Almost all of the best memories of my life so far are tied in some way to Mercer. I can't believe this time has gone so fast, and I can't help but be timid about the future. What home do I get to come to after this one? Where is the path leading from here?

I cannot help but enjoy these moments as they come, because "by the time I realize this moment, it'll be gone", in the words of JM. I really do hope I am not watching life pass me by. I know I am not on nights like last night, on the night when I took the stage to lip sync in the same chapel I first stepped into my freshman year for Convocation, on nights where I'm wasting the gas in one of my best friend's trucks just listening to him defend the fact that we are Democrats and he is listening to me--and this time really listening--pour out my soul, on the sunny afternoon where I ate the Krystal Cheeseanator with one of my greatest friends on the bank of the river talking about when we grow old, on the night when I celebrated my best girl friend's 22nd birthday, on the afternoon I decided to take a chance and run for SGA...these are the times for the books.
In one year, my last homecoming as an undergraduate will be over, and I hope I can look back then like I look back now--with a smile and a simple sweetness. 

So I leave you with this, and I will keep it in mind too:
"Promise me you will not spend so much time

treading water and trying to keep your head

above water that you forget,

truly forget, 

how much you have always loved to swim"

-Tyler Knott Gregson

God bless those bears,
K

After a While

Can Music Save Your Mortal Soul?

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one"

All my music junkies, this one is for you. I've been giving a lot of thought to the power of music for some time now and I have come to the conclusion that, why yes, music is the pulse on my life. You can take a cue to how I'm feeling by my Spotify rotation for the day, week, or month. I pride myself on my knowledge of music. And I think I can make someone fall for me with my mixtapes. Don't try me!

I've also got really caught up on the phrase "I feel infinite", which I stole from the marvelous book and now movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I went on a whimsical adventure with two friends to Atlanta a few weeks ago to see the 9:45 showing on a school night, and the night is now lodged in the top ten memories of college.

Speaking of the top ten list, I also got the splendid opportunity to visit my best friend in Atlanta to see the Script this past weekend. While the concert was top notch entertainment, and I died a little inside when I heard "For the First Time", I am more thankful for the time I got to spend with him singing to John Mayer on I-75 and having deep conversations at a greasy table at The Varsity and sleeping in the passenger seat next to him on the ride home.

All this to say, I have been having some pretty amazing days lately. I am realizing who to count among friends, and I am trying to wholeheartedly make a conscious effort to invest in those relationships right now. For too long I have been wrapped up so much in myself that I have forgotten the power of investing in another life. I have had some pretty great mentors here at Mercer, and I want to be that same amazing grace to someone else. I think that's when you can see God's love really in action.

I am on the up and up, and thank you for sticking by me.

So for this post, let's give credit where credit is due--to the music. So here is my playlist for you tonight. Hope you get some infinite experiences this week. Let's start living, people.

1. Augustana – I Still Ain't Over You Goodness be, I love some Augustana.
2. John Mayer – Slow Dancing In A Burning Room No way to get past a JM song on any playlist of mine.
3. Katy Perry – The One That Got Away - Acoustic You can feel her emotion like no other. So beautiful.
4. Shane & Shane – It Is Well One of the best hymns ever in my opinion.
5. Chris Tomlin – All My Fountains My wake-up song. Love this. So much truth to it too.
6. Miranda Lambert – Me and Your Cigarettes I just get this song.
7. Coldplay – Lost! "Just because you're losing, doesn't mean that you're lost" keep your chin up, kiddos.
8. Greg Laswell – Girls Just Want To Have Fun (Demo) Classic and classy.
9. Carrie Underwood – Good In Goodbye Feels appropriate.
10. Roy Orbison – You Got It A lot of people don't know this about me, but I want to walk down the aisle to an instrumental version of this song :)

Always yours,
K

Heavier Things

Aptly nodding to one of my favorite bad boys, John Mayer, I thought I'd call this post "Heavier Things". I think I have been covering in this blog plenty of "heavier things" lately, but I wanted to lay it all out on the line again. I've got a lot of heavy things on my mind lately, namely graduate school, the looming graduation date in 3 semesters that still calls for a good 50 odd hours to be completed (yeah, I don't see the math adding up either), how I am going to pay for all that; why I have so much (in terms of materialism) while others have so little, why my friends don't seem to understand why I feel guilty for my lifestyle, why I constantly am homesick for a place I was only in for 21 days, how salt and vinegar chips take me back to the inside of a rickshaw and the feeling of freedom; and why "In Your Atmosphere" and "Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall" can take me back in the blink of an eye to very vivid but sad memories. 

With all that swarming in my brunette brain, I'm certainly wondering what God has up His sleeve. In some ways I am very excited to see what all He has in store. God has certainly unfolded my life in ways unimaginable to me before. Coming to Mercer was unexpected. Getting a scholarship for Mercer on Mission was inconceivable a few years ago. Becoming a business major was an interesting wrench thrown in. All the people I have met along the way have added color and excitement and happiness and other times, tears and lessons to be learned and bitterness. I don't regret a single path I took, but I have come to the conclusion that I did very little of that on my own. Even in times when I was less focused on God than others, He was ultimately in control. I think God does a lot of setting things in motion when we least expect it. That is an awesome thing to trust your heart in. Where your heart wanders is where it wants to be most, and although my heart may have spent some time wandering to some "heavier things" lately, I think it is all for the glory of God's perfect plan for me. He is putting some hard questions in my life to see if I trust enough in him to just let the questions resound, without answer. What a strange thing--I mean, we often ask questions to find an answer. And it is true, we will get an answer--"seek and it will be found" (Matthew 7:7)--but maybe not on our timeline or in the way we wanted it. I love the way C.S. Lewis explains it in that:

"We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings...but by accepting

them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armor.

If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which

they should break, so be it."

I would love to imagine God draining me of myself and my sin and replacing me with an everlasting fullness and peace known as His love and mercy. I am eager to see how all this unfolds over the next year and in the coming years; it leaves a lot of room for growth that I am excited to see :)

Like a fine wine, this post goes well with John Mayer – Bigger Than My Body. 

Teeheehee. LYLAS readers.

Yours, 

K

The Day I Became In Charge of My Own Happiness

"And given half the chance would I take any of it back?

It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone

It's always darkest before the dawn"

What is happiness? Where can we find it and when can we stop chasing it? I think the best answer I've ever heard comes from one of my all-time favorite bands, The Fray. "Happiness is like the old man told me/Look for it, but you’ll never find it all/But let it go, live your life and leave it/Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home" is the last stanza of this song--one that almost always brings me to tears. I have been struggling a lot lately to find the happy in a lot of my crappies lately, but I think that comes from me ignoring one of the most important lines of this song--"live your life and leave it". I think too often I, like a lot of people, but an emphasis on the wrong things in life. We chalk a bad day up to one poor conversation with one person or someone not meeting our expectations and we write off the good parts of our day. 

I pay far less attention to the good stuff going on right around me to even appreciate it sometimes. I've got far more going for me than going against me. And there is such hope in that feeling. It can be a pretty broken place to put your faith in that which gives no return. Instead let me remind myself, and you all, what I can put my faith in:

First and foremost, God. Proverbs 16:3 instructs us to "commit everything to the Lord" and that under His guidance everything will be alright. I've got to believe there is a lot of substance to that. The idea of commitment to me is a binding contract on both ends. I've got to put in the work, too. For "where your treasure is, there your heart is also" means I have to invest my time and energy into what really matters (Matthew 6:21). "Where you invest your love, you invest your life."

My family. God-sends. My mom is best friend, and if you are reading this-thank you. For everything.


My friends. They surely are the sunshine of my day. I know I can be a handful sometimes, but they always bring me back to reality. And sometimes they don't mind having wild dreams, too. They keep me grounded but also don't knock me for being a dreamer. And I can dig that.

My education. I'm learning to appreciate my level of education even more so now. I ended up paying my summer school's tuition this summer and that hefty bill taught me a lesson I'll never forget. I can't take for granted the unwarranted opportunities I have been given. I also met a little girl in India who read from the dictionary every day just to learn English. I want to be that little girl when I grow up. I want to make her proud.

Music. I can't do anything these days without it, and I am completely enamored by it.

The good in people. I firmly believe that every day may not be good, but there is still some good in every day. I may be a little less trusting of people or a little more fragile but that is what makes me human. And I am convinced that people are the missing pieces God sends us in search of.

Shot in the Dark

"I got a vision for the life that's right in front of me
I got a right, I got a reason, got a destiny
I know exactly where I'm headed and I'm never looking back
Well, nothing's holding me back" 

Tonight, as I should be studying for management, I find myself longing to write. I have not had much time lately to devote to my sweet craft, but tonight I just feel compelled to. Or maybe I'm avoiding studying haha. But in all honesty, I always feel much more full of life after I write. It is like my own artificial sunlight up here on the third floor of Jack Tarver. 


I have been struggling a lot with the idea of friendship lately, and I have found myself asserting my own independence in a lot of my relationships. I cannot really pinpoint where this desire to be alone is coming from, but frankly, it is not bothering me. In the past I think I have used people and places and events and things to fill my time when I did not want to feel anything, but I think now I realize that is both unhealthy and unrealistic. Emotions and feelings need processing and in their time. I no longer feel the need to keep myself busy so that I do not have to be myself to think. Strangely, I am learning  to enjoy time to myself. Introspective time like that is time for God, time for me, time for eating a box of goldfish, time for watching TV (considering that I have used it probably twice this year), time for studying (new, I know), time for time well wasted. I am reveling in that kind of time right now. And while I am keeping busy and still having a social life (don't be worried--check the FB photos haha), I am learning to take time for me. I think it is okay to be selfish sometimes. Especially with time...we only get so much of it, so if you find something that brings a smile to your face I say it cannot be that bad. Junior year is looking a lot like: you do you. And I like it. 
Your favorite gypsy :)

K

The title and opening lyrics are from a little diddy called "Shot in the Dark" by Augustana. Good, chill music. Check it. 

Somewhere Between Cherry Street and Tattnall Park

True confession: I steal all my pictures from Pinterest :)

That's where you can find me five days out of the week, mostly in the dead of afternoon, hair half plastered to the side of my face and half pulled up in a high ponytail. Rocking the Nike shorts, my pride and joy Brooks (saved about $40 on them this summer at AJC's Peachtree Road Race aka baller), and a frat tank. Jamming out to a mixture of middle school era rap songs, good ole country, and of course Mister John Mayer. I am out there pounding the pavement with my trusty running partner, MB and loving every minute of it. Crazy. I know. But I think the essence of running is very much interwoven in the fiber of my soul. So deep. I know.

In all seriousness, running is what I like to call the purest part of my day. Though I do get some alone time during the day, I am not very drawn to seek it out (I'm like 95% extroverted here, people) and quite frankly, am too over-scheduled to demand it for myself. So the hour or so (let's be real, there's a lot of so added to that hour haha) I take to run five miles is the time I get to be inside my head and at the same time outside of it. I like to joke that it is the cheapest form of therapy, and for me it quite literally is. Though I naturally like to talk out loud--and God bless my friends they get to be on the receiving end of this habit--I think I need this time to talk inside my head too. One of my best friends wrote me a letter this summer before I left for India and in it said something to the effect of don't be afraid to ask the tough questions and don't be disappointed when you don't get an answer. I think that is a lot like my relationship to running. Maybe the question I am asking is how to study harder/how to make more time out of my day/how to solve a friend problem/how to get into grad school and I am met smack dab in the middle of the street with an reverberating GO RUN. And I never find the easy answer out there, nor do I want to. I think there is something so unadulterated about my time out there, and I do not want it to become a crutch to fixing everything. But it certainly is the best part of my day, and I feel much better (sweatier) afterwards. 

Running has always been a common love between my mother and I, and I am forever grateful she turned me on to the passion. We hunt down races months in advance and plan our family vacations around them (spoiler alert: we're training for a half in Nashville in the spring!). I am so glad we have between us a bond that nobody else can really get. This weekend she is hosting her cross country team's meet...and I ask for all your prayers for her! She is an amazing person and is putting her whole heart into this weekend. I could not be prouder. Love you.

Happy running (and if you're not yet, let me take you out sometime!)
K

Fix You

I've kind of been in a Coldplay mood lately (imagine that haha) and "Fix You" keeps creeping up. If you know me pretty well, you know I cannot hear the song without crying. There is something so beautiful and captivating about the lyrics, and I love to think "lights are guiding me home". So here comes the question and tonight I am met with a resounding answer. Question: What needs fixing? Answer: Absolutely nothing. As in, I will be fixing nothing about my life...

A window at the Red Fort in New Delhi, India. Totally been here. Totally one of my top ten places on Earth. Totally didn't take this picture, but stole it from this flickr :)

Hold your cookies, people. This is a big one. I repeat again, I will be fixing nothing in my life. Instead, God is doing all the work. Draw your eye over to Psalm 73, verse 26: "My flesh and my heart my fail, but my God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." My flesh and my heart--may fail?--definitely will. I can guarantee you it will. Hearts break and life ends. Sounds mighty depressing, but God meets you in that overwhelming moment and says, "BUT" wait for it, wait for it-- "I will be the strength (you know that renewing confidence that you cannot bottle or buy or find yourself?) of your heart (as in you!) and your portion (as in I am his, and he is mine kind of thing) forever (not until this semester ends or until he breaks up with you or until he gets bored of hearing you complain every day). No we are talking about forever. I cannot even comprehend forever. At twenty, I have no idea what thirty or fifty looks like much less forever.

And stole this one too...from this pinterest board!

That is a big feeling. A feeling that I think sounds a lot like God saying "I will fix you". And I cannot help but delight in that. There is no one on Earth or in heaven who I'd rather fix me than God almighty. He is lining things up exactly how they are to be, and He is molding me into the woman I am meant to become. That is something I cannot do on my own, and it is comforting to know my own limitations. I cannot do anything but turn it all over to Him. "Trust in the Lord will all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-7)," is not only a suggestion, but a downright commandment. I love that. I believe in it, "not because I see it, but because I see everything else by it". Hitting you with a little C.S. Lewis right there. That's all I've got for tonight, stay tuned :)


Because I think writing goes best paired with music, here ya go kind people: The Fray – Happiness. If you don't already love them, talk to me. I can make a believer out of ya.


Yours,
K

When You Think Happiness...

Hey sunshine! I should probably be reading a book out of Genesis for Great Books right now or putting up my laundry, but alas the blog waits for no one. The first week of classes has been so good. Honestly, it appears a lot easier than last semester turned out to be, and I am actually interested in everything I'm studying this semester (hint, hint no accounting=BOSS). 

Recruitment has begun which means I actually wear make-up to class and look not too shabby (if I say so myself) by about 6pm everyday. It is a rush of every sorority girl's dreams packed into three days all culminating in BID DAY. The best day ever all week of any week, in my opinion. I really like Thursdays but by God do I love days that begin with the word bid. 

What I have been reminded of this week is my own sisterhood and why it means so much to me. Getting to talk to so many women going through this process reminds me why I call the house in the middle of Greek row with three perfect letters on its front side home.

I have deemed sorority life as fearless. Fearless is the only way to describe the way a young girl allows herself to grow up alongside 74 other incredibly talented, intelligent, and beautiful women. That kind of environment could intimidate a lot of people, but a sorority woman knows that those women are her home. For four years and for forever those letters unite you in a way I've experienced in few other organizations. I am incredibly blessed for this opportunity and it is one I take for granted far too often. I found my family away from home here. 

So this week I wish the best of luck to all ladies out there trying to find their place, whether it be on Greek row or not. In the words of my Ms. Carrie Bradshaw, "the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship you have is the one with yourself."May we always find ourselves chasing the better parts of ourselves, the glitter yet to be thrown out to the world, and may we always have good people running right beside us.

...I hope you think that little black dress

That's the next line of this oldie but goldie I reference in the title. Sorry I'm not sorry T Swift has been the inspiration lately for song titles :)

Yours, 

K

I Feel You Forget Me Like I Used to Feel You Breathe

"All that I know is I don't know 

how to be something you miss"

It's been a week since my last post, and it's been one helluva week. I hurdled through peer advisor training which was a great time to make new friends and bond with my PA family. At the end of the week, we moved in first years and kicked off orientation (yesterday) and today we spent more time with our o-groups. I am beyond thankful, even a year later, to be a part of a program that leaves me feeling more complete every time. While I am supposed to make these students feel more at home, it always works out that they make me feel more at home. Which brings me to the topic of this post:

That deep pang of missing. You know the tingling sensation through your whole core and that quivering of your lip as you fight back tears? Yep, totally had that moment today in the historically breathtaking Newton Chapel at campus worship. I literally fought back tears as I realized that feeling creeping its way into my mind.

I find myself missing India. The smell of sun coming through the window and heating the car seat next to me. Hell, I even miss the food and having to wait an hour and a half for a meal that actually tastes homemade.

I miss my home. Macon of course is my second home, but I miss my family and my house. I miss the feeling of sleeping in my own bed. I feel safe and invincible there, and two days at home after the biggest adventure of my life was by far not long enough. I miss my best friends. The three of them always have my heart. 

I miss the summer and the simplicity of it all. There were some amazing times this summer and now they feel so out of reach.

And lastly I miss the relationships of my life. I've been out of pocket from my best friends--in fact, my two  best friends I've barely seen since I moved back. I miss being able to talk to my mom in the same room. I miss being affiliated to my sorority and knowing what is going on around here. And I miss the relationship that just ended. All these people are a big part of my college life, and I hate to even think about them slipping away. 

Junior year is freaking scary. On so many levels. I know my last post was so positive (what was I thinking??), but here I am a week later and (how punny of me?) a little weaker. I think that's an okay thing. Because God's power is made perfect in weakness. God knows I'm living proof. It hurts like hell though. But I keep telling myself there is another side. There has to be. Right?

Yours,
K

In Your Atmosphere

While I am hesitant to write this post on what is essentially a public medium--though I still think only my best friends read it :)--I think it would be cheating both myself and you to not share. I'm going to keep the post vague, but I guess what I want to address at the moment is risk. 

Tonight I reeled from the consequences of a risk I took last spring to let someone get close to me.  But I will say conversely whenever I took that chance I also allowed for much growth and opportunity. Personally I learned a lot about my self, my relationship and reliance on God, and what I am looking forward to for future relationships. I really cannot even feel anything but sweet anticipation for the future and a settling peace only my God can give me. Seriously every moment of this ride I was tied to God in prayer and will continue to be. 

So my last bit on this topic is that I still encourage risk in life and love. To risk nothing is to lose nothing, but to lose nothing means you'll always keep the best of you hidden from the world. Go for it. 

And kudos to J.M. for the song title. 

"In Your Atmosphere" was the soundtrack to my summer and now feels just so right. 

-K

Nothing Lasts Forever

Hello friends! It is so good to be back on my own personal blog again. For the past month I have been in India working with the India Fuller Center for Housing to provide affordable housing to the impoverished villagers of Kerala, India. To read almost daily, detailed accounts of our work and travels, read here at the professional blog my classmate Gillian and I undertook over there. 

I would say the experiences changed me much for the better. I'm not even going to try to address everything in this post, because I would rather share things a few at a time so that I leave myself time to process everything before I write about it. But I will tell you I learned a lot about myself and the world around me. Namely, my level or lack thereof of patience, my inability to communicate with everyone (it gets kind of frustrating when we don't speak the same language) and conversely my ability to make almost anyone smile, my breaking point (insert around week two of this adventure when I found myself nearly crying myself to sleep) and then again the point when I rose like a phoenix from those ashes and decided not to waste a moment of precious time (I'll credit this to the children I met over there), my comfort zone and how I redefined it completely 8,000 miles from home. Not every moment was beautiful, but by God there was beauty in every moment. I hope I broke a few stereotypes--try being the smallest member of your team and also a female in a country not comparable to the states on gender equality--and rewrote a few that I even held. I will never forget the faces of that place, but even more so the kindness they showed me. I discovered my passion for travel, and I hope I get to live that passion out one day. I promise to give you more stories over time, but I have only been home three days now, and I am still working through a lot of what happened over there...

But as I write this at 5 am (yeah, my body still wants to sleep at 7pm and wake up at about 4am) I want to touch on where I am in life right now. I find myself nostalgic for the summer as mine ends today. I go back to school today for peer advisor training week. I would give anything to be back at my kitchen table pouring over my studies and singing country music. I would go back in a heart beat to my family cruise and even more so to our visit to Atlanta for Peachtree Road Race as that was one of my last family memories before I left the country. Take me back to the moments when I had the freedom to call up my best friends any time I wanted so we could talk on the phone forever. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited for junior year as I have dubbed it "THE YEAR". But at the same time junior year means growing up and growing up means change. Which I'm apparently not a fan of. I am discovering that nothing lasts forever, quite literally, and every moment soon becomes a memory. As sad as that makes me feel right now I keep telling myself you never get "new" moments if you keep holding on to "old" ones. And I think this is around the time my Father says, "little girl, let go of the reigns. I've got big things in store for you if you quit fighting me." And I don't want to fight those big things anymore. Bring on the good and bad of junior year because I think I am strong enough to take it on :)

God bless. SO GOOD TO BE WRITING RIGHT NOW!

K

I Carry Your Heart (I Carry It in My Heart)

Oh boy. Here we go. Today is the BIG day! I'll be on the way to Atlanta to be dropped off very soon, and then on a few plane rides across the WORLD. Sorry to be so crazy (and for this stream of consciousness post), but I am SO excited. The nervousness really has not set in yet. I am thinking that hits me somewhere tomorrow in an airport terminal in Atlanta, but as of today, no worries. Pray that it stays that way :)

I have a few last thoughts and comments to share with all of you, but I have to make them short and sweet unfortunately. I won't be able to check or post to the blog while gone, but have no fear, I will be journaling the whole time to come back and transcribe to you all on here. SWEET. So here goes my last bits for the month of July--

I am so very excited, as mentioned earlier. I will try to share everything I possibly can. I also ask for your prayers in safety and trust in God while over there. I know He will not bring me to anything He cannot lead me through. As I told someone earlier this summer, I take my God with me everywhere I go. Rest assured He'll be by my side!

Pray for my sweet family and friends. I will miss them tremendously. This has been such a summer of growth, but all around good times. Many a night I spent slouched over my kitchen table doing homework or stayed up until all hours in our hotel room to complete an assignment, and had it not been for my family I probably would not have had the energy or patience for all that. God bless these people so close to me for listening to me go on and on for the past months, weeks, and days about a place I have never been before. They have been so sweet to listen to my dreams and fears, and I love them so very much. They're my heartbeat. I carry them with me too. 

Wednesday I had a bit of a nervous meltdown in my kitchen with my Momma and she assured me there was still time to back out...(that was not entirely true, but hey, I was crying pretty hard). I said a little prayer that went something like, "dear God, if I am not supposed to go, don't let me"...and the next morning I woke up so peaceful and happy to a resounding answer "Go, my child." I have never heard His voice so clearly. So where He calls, I go...

I cannot wait to meet these people. I cannot wait to fall in love with them. The sights, sounds, tastes, smells, colors, everything. I just cannot imagine and comprehend all this. It is not something I deserve; but I will wholeheartedly pursue it with everything I have. 

Lastly, I want to work at it all for the glory of God. If nothing else, let it be a testimony to everyone  of the faith and love of my Father. I know He will get me through it all, and I hope to express that while there. God bless. 

Until August! Love you so very much, 

Kels

Matthew 28:19
And from my very first blog post, "here's to losing myself and finding myself"

The title is a reference to one of THE BEST poems ever written by the one and only e.e. cummings.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

"Let your light shine before others that they may 

see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven."

 Matthew 5:16

One of my dearest friends thus far in college (you can read his blog here) told me as I started this blog that it was amazing how firm I was in my faith and how well I was able to communicate its depth to people in just a few lines. His compliment really took me aback, because most of my life I have been very skeptical of people who were overly-anxious to share their faith. Even more so, I was extremely scared to share mine. I grew up a Christian and always knew I had a God and Savior, but I never felt like my story was "good enough" or awe-inspiring. In an essence, I lacked a confidence in my faith and probably that was from a lack of confidence in my relationship with my God. 

My first two years of high school were extremely difficult personally--I lost two family members within three months of each other, I was struggling to adjust academically to a college preparatory school, and simply put, I did not fit in (insert teen angst here haha), and it took me the next two years to get past all that. By freshman year of college I was definitely looking to establish a strong relationship with God. One of my favorite hymns "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" perfectly describes how I felt. The lines "prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love" were written for yours truly. I was definitely a wanderer, and in many ways still am. But by sophomore year I had my faith tested, and my heart began to sing the next few lines of that hymn "here’s my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above". A few idols I had on my heart and mind were taken from me, and I am so completely thankful that they were. Now I wonder why I ever devoted so much time to anything but developing my relationship with my Father. 

Sometimes I find myself embarrassed of that wasted time, but then remember that it was all a part of His plan. Had I not been out wandering in the pasture, He would have never had a chance to call  his girl back. Isn't that what we all are chasing--someone to call out our name and want us to come back to them? When God is calling you, that is a great day; in fact the best day, in my book. So in the past few months I have tried to be more expressive with my faith, and hopefully it has shown. I am constantly reminded of God's words to Moses in Exodus 4:11, "who gives speech to mortals? Who makes them mute or deaf, seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go, and I will be your mouth and teach you what you are to speak." That is so reassuring, and I know when I do not have the right words, He will. 

That title is a nod to J.R.R. Tolkein, and it is one of my favs :)

Safe in Harbor

I've currently been swamped in homework for summer classes (bummer, right?), but the good side of that is discovering oodles and oodles of new music. Currently on my spin rotation is the uber cute Hunter Hayes. And while his music is lyrical honey, one of my favorite sets of lines of his songs seems to be the mantra to my life right now. It goes a little something like:

"These days I’m not sure if I know
What I’m doing here or where I’ll go
But, every night I say the same old prayer:
'God, I don’t have to see you. I know that you’re there
Cause there were times I thought I wouldn’t make it home
But I kept a little faith to fall back on.'
Yeah, and I’ve learned to put my trust where it belongs
And I’ve gotta little faith to fall back on."

I think what is so sweet to me about this song is the genuineness of it. I am sure we all lose faith at times. Sometimes our faith is not sunshine and glitter and gold. Sometimes it is hella hard, sometimes it makes people hate you and turn their back on you (Matthew 13:13), sometimes it just feels lonely and cold. I think that is perfectly normal because like all other aspects of life, our faith too must go through valleys. In doing so, we get to see the breathtaking view of the mountains in the distance. They must seem unattainable at the time, but truth is, if we are in the valley, chances are we were--not long ago--just on one of those mountains. And the reality our Savior promises is He'll be with us every step of the way until we get that feeling back again. I love that. I delight in that. It is TRULY where my faith is built. My God has certainly carried me lately (insert all of sophomore year of college), and in that time, I never felt closer to Him. He was the only thing I had to cling to, and I realized He was enough.

All this being said, lately I have been a strange mix of stress, excitement, sadness, nervousness, and giddiness. I am processing three course loads worth of classes this summer, prepping for a month long adventure in India (read more about this here), contemplating my junior year of college, and reconnecting some great friendships. This summer has been a load for sure. But it has also been a great revelation in the beauty in risk. I firmly believe that you will never know if you do not try. It is true for everything. If you do not walk out on a limb every once in a while--in your pursuit of knowledge, in expanding your friend circle, in relationships in general--you'll spend your whole time climbing that tree. And while that tree probably has a great, safe view, you will never feel that sweet breeze of summertime if you never take the chance...

William Shedd once said, "Ships are safe in harbor, but that is not what ships are built for." I think he is right on with this one. And I don't think that is what I was built for (when God was molding this little Southern heart, He threw some wandering spirit up in there). So here's to casting off the bowlines and learning to stand alone (and not being afraid to like it) with God to carry you anytime you need it. Happy sailing, friends!

God bless.

Did ya miss me?

Promise I'll be back soon with a good long one! Until then...

"Well I've been searching for something true
My heart says it must be you
I'd love to fall and see it through
But only if you told me to
Well I'd run through the desert, I'd walk through the rain
Get you into trouble, and take all the blame
I'd paint you a picture, write you a song
And I'd do it all over if I did it all wrong"
:)



Check out Hunter Hayes's album. I am obsessed. 

What I Almost Was

Hello sweet peeps. I have been thinking lately about that little phrase. You know the one. When things are looking bad, people pull it out just for you. When you're on top of the world, you smile and revel in it for a moment. "God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." I have been smiling on this one for a while, and let me tell you why. 

If you would have told me four years ago (so we're talking half-way through high school) that I would be where I am today, I would look with disbelief. I am very grateful for the past couple years of life that have taught me a whole lot in a short span of time. There have been some heartaches and heartbreaks, some good days on the mountain and some low days in dark valleys. There have been some great people and (though very few) some people I learned to love from a distance. There were some glittering nights and some hard-worked for days. There were times on my knees talking to my God and times He was talking for me. But all of it contributed to who I am today, not who I could have been. I think who I turned out to be today, and the woman I am still working on for the future, is so much better than I could have planned for myself. 

God does not need my advice when it comes to anything, much less the path for my life. His vision is here and now, hindsight, and foresight all in one. When I have tunnel vision, he puts me back on the path He laid just for me. I prayed hard for some dreams and loves and things that were never meant to be mine. And thank God (literally, people) that they were not. While it may have looked like gold then, I know it was not gold for me. So here's to remembering that good things come to those who wait for THOSE GOOD THINGS. If I could have told awkward, ready to get out of this town baby Kels a few things I'd say--

1. One day you're going to love country music. So embrace those roots, babydoll.
2. You're going to miss this moment and want it back, so do not wish it away. This applies to all of it, I promise :)
3. Turns out there is more to life than Homecoming dances. Thank goodness for that, you social butterfly, you. 
4. At 20, you're still going to be obsessed with clothes. Save that money. PLEASE. Because in college, we discover Lulu's. And we loooove.
5. Keep being awkward. You find people that find it hilarious and love you for it. 
6. Don't forget how to do math, because shawty you going to HATE accounting. 
7. You'll never wish you slept more.
8. Read as much as you can. You miss having time for it now.
9. That time you wreck your car on the way to work and cry your eyes out? Yeah there will be days even worse than that. Brace yourself, but you got it in you.
10. And quoting my favorite boy, Brad Paisley, "Have no fear, these are no where near the best years of your life."

Big Amen to that! Thank ya Eric Church for this catchy title.

ooh baby baby. circa freshman year of high school.

yours truly. in present day.

Worth Sharing

"My plan for your life is unfolding before you. Sometimes the road you are traveling seems blocked, or it opens up so painfully slow that you must hold yourself back. Then, when time is right, the way before you suddenly clears--through no effort of your own. What you have longed for and worked for I present to you freely, as pure gift. You feel awed by the ease with which I operate in the world, and you glimpse My Power and My Glory.

Do not fear your weakness, for it is the stage on which My Power and Glory perform most brilliantly. 

As you persevere along the path I have prepared for you, depending on My stregnth to sustain you, expect to see miracles--and you will. Miracles are not always visible to the naked eye, but those who live by faith can see them clearly. Living by faith, rather than sight, enables you to see My Glory."

-Sarah Young, Jesus Calling

I needed to read this today; thought I'd share!