When You Think Happiness...

Hey sunshine! I should probably be reading a book out of Genesis for Great Books right now or putting up my laundry, but alas the blog waits for no one. The first week of classes has been so good. Honestly, it appears a lot easier than last semester turned out to be, and I am actually interested in everything I'm studying this semester (hint, hint no accounting=BOSS). 

Recruitment has begun which means I actually wear make-up to class and look not too shabby (if I say so myself) by about 6pm everyday. It is a rush of every sorority girl's dreams packed into three days all culminating in BID DAY. The best day ever all week of any week, in my opinion. I really like Thursdays but by God do I love days that begin with the word bid. 

What I have been reminded of this week is my own sisterhood and why it means so much to me. Getting to talk to so many women going through this process reminds me why I call the house in the middle of Greek row with three perfect letters on its front side home.

I have deemed sorority life as fearless. Fearless is the only way to describe the way a young girl allows herself to grow up alongside 74 other incredibly talented, intelligent, and beautiful women. That kind of environment could intimidate a lot of people, but a sorority woman knows that those women are her home. For four years and for forever those letters unite you in a way I've experienced in few other organizations. I am incredibly blessed for this opportunity and it is one I take for granted far too often. I found my family away from home here. 

So this week I wish the best of luck to all ladies out there trying to find their place, whether it be on Greek row or not. In the words of my Ms. Carrie Bradshaw, "the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship you have is the one with yourself."May we always find ourselves chasing the better parts of ourselves, the glitter yet to be thrown out to the world, and may we always have good people running right beside us.

...I hope you think that little black dress

That's the next line of this oldie but goldie I reference in the title. Sorry I'm not sorry T Swift has been the inspiration lately for song titles :)

Yours, 

K

I Feel You Forget Me Like I Used to Feel You Breathe

"All that I know is I don't know 

how to be something you miss"

It's been a week since my last post, and it's been one helluva week. I hurdled through peer advisor training which was a great time to make new friends and bond with my PA family. At the end of the week, we moved in first years and kicked off orientation (yesterday) and today we spent more time with our o-groups. I am beyond thankful, even a year later, to be a part of a program that leaves me feeling more complete every time. While I am supposed to make these students feel more at home, it always works out that they make me feel more at home. Which brings me to the topic of this post:

That deep pang of missing. You know the tingling sensation through your whole core and that quivering of your lip as you fight back tears? Yep, totally had that moment today in the historically breathtaking Newton Chapel at campus worship. I literally fought back tears as I realized that feeling creeping its way into my mind.

I find myself missing India. The smell of sun coming through the window and heating the car seat next to me. Hell, I even miss the food and having to wait an hour and a half for a meal that actually tastes homemade.

I miss my home. Macon of course is my second home, but I miss my family and my house. I miss the feeling of sleeping in my own bed. I feel safe and invincible there, and two days at home after the biggest adventure of my life was by far not long enough. I miss my best friends. The three of them always have my heart. 

I miss the summer and the simplicity of it all. There were some amazing times this summer and now they feel so out of reach.

And lastly I miss the relationships of my life. I've been out of pocket from my best friends--in fact, my two  best friends I've barely seen since I moved back. I miss being able to talk to my mom in the same room. I miss being affiliated to my sorority and knowing what is going on around here. And I miss the relationship that just ended. All these people are a big part of my college life, and I hate to even think about them slipping away. 

Junior year is freaking scary. On so many levels. I know my last post was so positive (what was I thinking??), but here I am a week later and (how punny of me?) a little weaker. I think that's an okay thing. Because God's power is made perfect in weakness. God knows I'm living proof. It hurts like hell though. But I keep telling myself there is another side. There has to be. Right?

Yours,
K

In Your Atmosphere

While I am hesitant to write this post on what is essentially a public medium--though I still think only my best friends read it :)--I think it would be cheating both myself and you to not share. I'm going to keep the post vague, but I guess what I want to address at the moment is risk. 

Tonight I reeled from the consequences of a risk I took last spring to let someone get close to me.  But I will say conversely whenever I took that chance I also allowed for much growth and opportunity. Personally I learned a lot about my self, my relationship and reliance on God, and what I am looking forward to for future relationships. I really cannot even feel anything but sweet anticipation for the future and a settling peace only my God can give me. Seriously every moment of this ride I was tied to God in prayer and will continue to be. 

So my last bit on this topic is that I still encourage risk in life and love. To risk nothing is to lose nothing, but to lose nothing means you'll always keep the best of you hidden from the world. Go for it. 

And kudos to J.M. for the song title. 

"In Your Atmosphere" was the soundtrack to my summer and now feels just so right. 

-K

Nothing Lasts Forever

Hello friends! It is so good to be back on my own personal blog again. For the past month I have been in India working with the India Fuller Center for Housing to provide affordable housing to the impoverished villagers of Kerala, India. To read almost daily, detailed accounts of our work and travels, read here at the professional blog my classmate Gillian and I undertook over there. 

I would say the experiences changed me much for the better. I'm not even going to try to address everything in this post, because I would rather share things a few at a time so that I leave myself time to process everything before I write about it. But I will tell you I learned a lot about myself and the world around me. Namely, my level or lack thereof of patience, my inability to communicate with everyone (it gets kind of frustrating when we don't speak the same language) and conversely my ability to make almost anyone smile, my breaking point (insert around week two of this adventure when I found myself nearly crying myself to sleep) and then again the point when I rose like a phoenix from those ashes and decided not to waste a moment of precious time (I'll credit this to the children I met over there), my comfort zone and how I redefined it completely 8,000 miles from home. Not every moment was beautiful, but by God there was beauty in every moment. I hope I broke a few stereotypes--try being the smallest member of your team and also a female in a country not comparable to the states on gender equality--and rewrote a few that I even held. I will never forget the faces of that place, but even more so the kindness they showed me. I discovered my passion for travel, and I hope I get to live that passion out one day. I promise to give you more stories over time, but I have only been home three days now, and I am still working through a lot of what happened over there...

But as I write this at 5 am (yeah, my body still wants to sleep at 7pm and wake up at about 4am) I want to touch on where I am in life right now. I find myself nostalgic for the summer as mine ends today. I go back to school today for peer advisor training week. I would give anything to be back at my kitchen table pouring over my studies and singing country music. I would go back in a heart beat to my family cruise and even more so to our visit to Atlanta for Peachtree Road Race as that was one of my last family memories before I left the country. Take me back to the moments when I had the freedom to call up my best friends any time I wanted so we could talk on the phone forever. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited for junior year as I have dubbed it "THE YEAR". But at the same time junior year means growing up and growing up means change. Which I'm apparently not a fan of. I am discovering that nothing lasts forever, quite literally, and every moment soon becomes a memory. As sad as that makes me feel right now I keep telling myself you never get "new" moments if you keep holding on to "old" ones. And I think this is around the time my Father says, "little girl, let go of the reigns. I've got big things in store for you if you quit fighting me." And I don't want to fight those big things anymore. Bring on the good and bad of junior year because I think I am strong enough to take it on :)

God bless. SO GOOD TO BE WRITING RIGHT NOW!

K

I Carry Your Heart (I Carry It in My Heart)

Oh boy. Here we go. Today is the BIG day! I'll be on the way to Atlanta to be dropped off very soon, and then on a few plane rides across the WORLD. Sorry to be so crazy (and for this stream of consciousness post), but I am SO excited. The nervousness really has not set in yet. I am thinking that hits me somewhere tomorrow in an airport terminal in Atlanta, but as of today, no worries. Pray that it stays that way :)

I have a few last thoughts and comments to share with all of you, but I have to make them short and sweet unfortunately. I won't be able to check or post to the blog while gone, but have no fear, I will be journaling the whole time to come back and transcribe to you all on here. SWEET. So here goes my last bits for the month of July--

I am so very excited, as mentioned earlier. I will try to share everything I possibly can. I also ask for your prayers in safety and trust in God while over there. I know He will not bring me to anything He cannot lead me through. As I told someone earlier this summer, I take my God with me everywhere I go. Rest assured He'll be by my side!

Pray for my sweet family and friends. I will miss them tremendously. This has been such a summer of growth, but all around good times. Many a night I spent slouched over my kitchen table doing homework or stayed up until all hours in our hotel room to complete an assignment, and had it not been for my family I probably would not have had the energy or patience for all that. God bless these people so close to me for listening to me go on and on for the past months, weeks, and days about a place I have never been before. They have been so sweet to listen to my dreams and fears, and I love them so very much. They're my heartbeat. I carry them with me too. 

Wednesday I had a bit of a nervous meltdown in my kitchen with my Momma and she assured me there was still time to back out...(that was not entirely true, but hey, I was crying pretty hard). I said a little prayer that went something like, "dear God, if I am not supposed to go, don't let me"...and the next morning I woke up so peaceful and happy to a resounding answer "Go, my child." I have never heard His voice so clearly. So where He calls, I go...

I cannot wait to meet these people. I cannot wait to fall in love with them. The sights, sounds, tastes, smells, colors, everything. I just cannot imagine and comprehend all this. It is not something I deserve; but I will wholeheartedly pursue it with everything I have. 

Lastly, I want to work at it all for the glory of God. If nothing else, let it be a testimony to everyone  of the faith and love of my Father. I know He will get me through it all, and I hope to express that while there. God bless. 

Until August! Love you so very much, 

Kels

Matthew 28:19
And from my very first blog post, "here's to losing myself and finding myself"

The title is a reference to one of THE BEST poems ever written by the one and only e.e. cummings.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

"Let your light shine before others that they may 

see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven."

 Matthew 5:16

One of my dearest friends thus far in college (you can read his blog here) told me as I started this blog that it was amazing how firm I was in my faith and how well I was able to communicate its depth to people in just a few lines. His compliment really took me aback, because most of my life I have been very skeptical of people who were overly-anxious to share their faith. Even more so, I was extremely scared to share mine. I grew up a Christian and always knew I had a God and Savior, but I never felt like my story was "good enough" or awe-inspiring. In an essence, I lacked a confidence in my faith and probably that was from a lack of confidence in my relationship with my God. 

My first two years of high school were extremely difficult personally--I lost two family members within three months of each other, I was struggling to adjust academically to a college preparatory school, and simply put, I did not fit in (insert teen angst here haha), and it took me the next two years to get past all that. By freshman year of college I was definitely looking to establish a strong relationship with God. One of my favorite hymns "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" perfectly describes how I felt. The lines "prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love" were written for yours truly. I was definitely a wanderer, and in many ways still am. But by sophomore year I had my faith tested, and my heart began to sing the next few lines of that hymn "here’s my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above". A few idols I had on my heart and mind were taken from me, and I am so completely thankful that they were. Now I wonder why I ever devoted so much time to anything but developing my relationship with my Father. 

Sometimes I find myself embarrassed of that wasted time, but then remember that it was all a part of His plan. Had I not been out wandering in the pasture, He would have never had a chance to call  his girl back. Isn't that what we all are chasing--someone to call out our name and want us to come back to them? When God is calling you, that is a great day; in fact the best day, in my book. So in the past few months I have tried to be more expressive with my faith, and hopefully it has shown. I am constantly reminded of God's words to Moses in Exodus 4:11, "who gives speech to mortals? Who makes them mute or deaf, seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go, and I will be your mouth and teach you what you are to speak." That is so reassuring, and I know when I do not have the right words, He will. 

That title is a nod to J.R.R. Tolkein, and it is one of my favs :)

Safe in Harbor

I've currently been swamped in homework for summer classes (bummer, right?), but the good side of that is discovering oodles and oodles of new music. Currently on my spin rotation is the uber cute Hunter Hayes. And while his music is lyrical honey, one of my favorite sets of lines of his songs seems to be the mantra to my life right now. It goes a little something like:

"These days I’m not sure if I know
What I’m doing here or where I’ll go
But, every night I say the same old prayer:
'God, I don’t have to see you. I know that you’re there
Cause there were times I thought I wouldn’t make it home
But I kept a little faith to fall back on.'
Yeah, and I’ve learned to put my trust where it belongs
And I’ve gotta little faith to fall back on."

I think what is so sweet to me about this song is the genuineness of it. I am sure we all lose faith at times. Sometimes our faith is not sunshine and glitter and gold. Sometimes it is hella hard, sometimes it makes people hate you and turn their back on you (Matthew 13:13), sometimes it just feels lonely and cold. I think that is perfectly normal because like all other aspects of life, our faith too must go through valleys. In doing so, we get to see the breathtaking view of the mountains in the distance. They must seem unattainable at the time, but truth is, if we are in the valley, chances are we were--not long ago--just on one of those mountains. And the reality our Savior promises is He'll be with us every step of the way until we get that feeling back again. I love that. I delight in that. It is TRULY where my faith is built. My God has certainly carried me lately (insert all of sophomore year of college), and in that time, I never felt closer to Him. He was the only thing I had to cling to, and I realized He was enough.

All this being said, lately I have been a strange mix of stress, excitement, sadness, nervousness, and giddiness. I am processing three course loads worth of classes this summer, prepping for a month long adventure in India (read more about this here), contemplating my junior year of college, and reconnecting some great friendships. This summer has been a load for sure. But it has also been a great revelation in the beauty in risk. I firmly believe that you will never know if you do not try. It is true for everything. If you do not walk out on a limb every once in a while--in your pursuit of knowledge, in expanding your friend circle, in relationships in general--you'll spend your whole time climbing that tree. And while that tree probably has a great, safe view, you will never feel that sweet breeze of summertime if you never take the chance...

William Shedd once said, "Ships are safe in harbor, but that is not what ships are built for." I think he is right on with this one. And I don't think that is what I was built for (when God was molding this little Southern heart, He threw some wandering spirit up in there). So here's to casting off the bowlines and learning to stand alone (and not being afraid to like it) with God to carry you anytime you need it. Happy sailing, friends!

God bless.